I didn’t give breastfeeding much thought, I took a class but was definitely more preoccupied with birth.
My first experience of nursing my eldest was great. She latched on immediately, golden milk came, everything was fabulous. As soon as I got home, all hell broke loose. I had bleeding nipples and was taking Tylenol with Codeine because I was in so much pain, it was worse than childbirth.
I dedicated my life completely for about four months trying to nurse, and really it stole the joy out of early motherhood for me.
I remember buying formula and it haunting me from the kitchen. But at four months, I knew it just wasn’t working. I started doing a combination of the two. It was such a relief. She was calmer, I was calmer, everything suddenly clicked.
My second child, I didn’t feel as guilty but I still felt like breast is best so I should give this another whirl. It did happen more naturally, but she was a really fussy baby.
For me, it then became about the physicality of it; I had given my body up for a really long time as I'd miscarried twins between both girls. I wasn’t someone who felt comfortable in my own skin while nursing, I couldn’t nurse well in public so felt like I was stuck at home. I introduced formula at six weeks and it worked for our family.